Hard questions of the third kind

I have eaten 
the plums 
that were in 
the icebox

and which 
you were probably 
saving 
for breakfast

Forgive me 
they were delicious 
so sweet 
and so cold

William Carlos Williams

Following on from the previous post; I have no doubt that we can occasionally understand when someone – usually an artist – has produced a work in a deep way; I’m thinking of this kind of work in terms of beholding or revealing their experience as opposed to just explaining it; It’s ferociously hard to explain how such a thing can happen and yet William Carlos Williams’ poem “This is just to say” takes an utterly banal idea and transforms it into a shared moment. “I have eaten the plums” Is surely a love letter to an unseen lover (the assured “forgive me“) who’s not yet awake; about a liberty taken – stealing their breakfast – and then almost a haiku (delicious, so sweet and so cold) .

William Blake could venture the possibility that we might see “the world in a grain of sand” in what feels like a poetic manifesto. It’s the expression of “The hard question”. How are the sense impressions we all experience every day – cold plums from the fridge; running sand through our fingers and idly watching them fall – how are these turned into “qualia” – or as Thomas Nagel puts it “what they feel like”. The hardest question of all is how can we communicate those feelings to another person – ever? Think of the struggle we have to explain a pain, for instance, to someone else.

I used to take our oldest son, then just a toddler, up Hope Chapel Hill in his pushchair when we lived at the bottom of this tremendously steep road. Often I’d let him walk up and he was always drawn to the cobblestone gutter where he would find treasures. The tops of ring-pull tins, cigarette ends, sweet papers, leaves, pebbles and grains of sand. It could take hours and yet he was completely absorbed by them.

When we were at Art School I became equally absorbed with By Brook which is the little river that runs through Castle Combe and on through Slaughterford until it reaches the River Avon. It runs through a very lovely steep sided valley and there used to be a little pumping station – ruined by the time we found it; sitting in a clearing of boggy ground, and further upstream a disused paper mill. In those days the river ran gin clear and there were small brown trout that, once or twice, we tried (unsuccessfully) to fish for. The whole area was keepered for a pheasant shoot and there was a water bailiff that we made sure never saw. I was having a hard time and this empty spot had a healing effect on me.

I was particularly fascinated by the contorted and interlocking roots of the trees on the sides of By Brook, and made many drawings of them (bottom left above). The top left photo was taken almost sixty years later and you can see that the water is now milky and probably eutrophic from farmland runoff.

I’ve never forgotten the experience of being there but I’ve never found a way of expressing it; the sound of the breeze in the Hazel bushes, the occasional staccato alarm call of a pheasant, the rich smell of the grass and the water and my struggles to make pencils and heavyweight paper speak it all. I’ve returned there in my memory so many times and although for me it’s an effortless transition in time to revisit the memories, the expression of them in whatever form always seems to slip through my fingers. On Tuesday our visit to the Victoria Gallery to see Norman Ackroyd’s exhibition The transience of light was both deeply moving and extremely challenging. How did he pull it off?

So after a great deal of huffing and puffing and moody introspection we went up to the allotment to tend our thirsty plants today and I came upon a whole collection of squashes and pumpkins which had been fattening up relentlessly, hidden by leaves and just out of sight the whole time, and then a kind of resolution to my challenge was staring me in the face. The poems and the photos seemed to arrange themselves and the whole argument is there in cryptic form at the top of the page. It says ‘stop trying so hard!’

It all reminds me of a time when against all odds I threw a large raku pot – nearly a foot high, using crank mixture – a clay that’s so full of grog (fired clay sand) that it takes the tips off your fingers. I can remember every moment of that experience, and what seemed most miraculous to me was that I just instinctively stepped aside from it and let it form itself. These were still my own fingers but they were not moving at my behest but that of the clay itself. I can remember the sense of wonder as it grew taller and thinner. It seemed to me on reflection that the harder I tried the less likely it was that I would succeed and so I discovered how stepping aside could be the final flowering of technique.

The idea of never ceasing to try but never trying seems more like a Zen koan than a piece of serious advice and yet there’s much wisdom in it. It’s like St Augustine’s much misunderstood saying “love, and do what you will” which, when it’s properly unpacked actually means that if you love – I mean really love – then you will always want to do the right thing. What it categorically doesn’t mean is do whatever you want in pursuit of love. Whether it’s eating a cold plum, throwing a pot, growing a pumpkin or drawing a river sometimes – no, almost always – it’s best to get over yourself and let the experience speak for itself without you feeling you need to explain it or help it along. Maybe, and this is just a wild thought, what sometimes happens is that “what it feels like” can pass between us through the work of ghostly resonances where we are more often content with mouthfuls of dust.